When you just feel grumpy
This weekend, I was feeling grumpy.
And unfortunately, this morning I’m still grumpy.
On Saturday, I had no patience whatsoever. Every little thing bugged me. I was on a short fuse. Very short. Yesterday too. All weekend long, even if I never shouted (small victory)… if I had to find a word to describe my countless actions, I think the word to use would be “tiresome”. I was tiresome.
I couldn’t quite figure out why I was in such a state.
Yesterday morning, the answer presented itself. My period.
When I told my very patient family, there followed a round of “ohhhhhh” and “ahhhhhh”.
The 48 hours after my period and the 48 hours before are often very difficult for me.
I’VE HAD ENOUGH.
(Here come the tears.)
I don’t know why I’m like this. Why am I so grumpy? When I take a step back, I feel like I’ve become another person. A crazy person. I don’t know what to do. I try to reason with myself and I just can’t.
I talk to myself. I say, “Jaime, don’t be like this. Calm down.”
I don’t think my family knows how hard I try. And I fail. Every time.
This morning, I’ve had enough. I’m not trying to wallow in self-pity or play the victim. Not at all – I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t like the person that I become during these 96 hours. Fortunately, it’s not like this every month; it’s just that some are worse than others.
What frightens me
For a few weeks I’ve felt like I’m not the same person, like my heart has really changed. But I’m afraid that people will only take into account these past few days in deciding who I really am. And it’s so far from the reality.
What hurts the most
I’m hurting the people I love the most in the world.
(The tears are now a tsunami.)
I’m angry with myself. I feel helpless.
I feel so bad for having hurt them and/or offended them with my words, my actions, my behaviour.
This is the question that I’ve been asking myself over and over since my gang left the house this morning. A medical appointment? A psychological consultation? A meeting with my naturopath? Prayers?
I know that in life actions can’t be justified by an event, but I’m convinced that all of this is linked to my menstrual cycle.
I also know that I talk about this topic regularly, but it’s because I know that I need to talk about it.
Because at the moment, sitting in front of the computer, I feel alone.
Very alone, and very bad. And very grumpy. And while I’m being honest, very tired, and very emotional.
What a way to start the week!
(Laughter and tears at the same time.)
I’m talking about it here because I am guessing that there are other women who probably experience this too, and I believe it’s important to share both the good and the bad.
Because we are human.
Because we are far from perfect.
I can’t change the past, but tonight, I will hug my family, apologize again for being so tiresome, and try to find a better way to manage these small (!) crises that crop up every couple of months.
I can console myself with the knowledge that I’ll get a little break for a bit.
It’s important to see the silver lining. ;-)
Does this happen to anyone else?